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week five ♡ wednesday ♡ magilou
[he made himself scarce on tuesday.
sometimes, a person needs time to decompress, and save for having checked on fie once the news was going around that mera was missing...
he stayed in his hut.
even as the sun set, he didn't leave. and the night was restless, with little sleep to be had and a lot of stress on his shoulders—a protag will be a protag. a leader will be a leader. akira is absolutely both of those things, and with things coming down to the wire, it's overwhelming to say the least. he's got all too many reasons, and because of that?
he isolates himself a bit. selfishly, and yet also selflessly, because he doesn't like burdening other people with his problems—and maybe a bit because some of the thoughts in his head and things weighing on him are things he doesn't even really know how to talk about.
stupidly, because people don't ever fuss about his problems, akira doesn't really think his presence will be that missed for a day.
whoops.]
sometimes, a person needs time to decompress, and save for having checked on fie once the news was going around that mera was missing...
he stayed in his hut.
even as the sun set, he didn't leave. and the night was restless, with little sleep to be had and a lot of stress on his shoulders—a protag will be a protag. a leader will be a leader. akira is absolutely both of those things, and with things coming down to the wire, it's overwhelming to say the least. he's got all too many reasons, and because of that?
he isolates himself a bit. selfishly, and yet also selflessly, because he doesn't like burdening other people with his problems—and maybe a bit because some of the thoughts in his head and things weighing on him are things he doesn't even really know how to talk about.
stupidly, because people don't ever fuss about his problems, akira doesn't really think his presence will be that missed for a day.
whoops.]
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though it's more because right now, he doesn't really feel that way than because he thinks he's gotten anything right. magilou's probably one of the few he feels hasn't actively hurt since he's been here.
some hero he is, huh?
but hey, they can get back to that in a minute or twenty. or never? who knows. for now:]
I'm willing to do that. We need to end this game. If killing the remaining Sirens is what it takes—fine.
[he's desperate to finish this. to stop this farce, to stop people from needlessly dying and killing.]
...And I want to protect them, too. [the wickie. he wants to make sure he doesn't end up doing anything that will put them at risk.]
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[. . .]
[even people with stronger hearts than hers break sometimes, right? Velvet had her moment where she shattered to pieces right before everyone's eyes. she gives him what he wants in hopes that a new goal, that someone new to protect, will re-focus him]
Then no matter how guilty Lucina looks this weekend at the trial, don't vote for her.
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[...
somehow, he didn't expect that it would be lucina. but... it makes sense. she does her best for others, she's strong-willed and fearless. she could handle that sort of burden. and akira knows that she's trustworthy.
it's only natural, he knows, that magilou would want to protect her. they're partners, after all. and akira also trusts magilou not to lie to him about this. so he draws in a breath, nodding, though his face is still buried against her.]
I won't vote for her. However I can help her, I will.
[not that he'd have voted for her anyway, because he doesn't want to sentence magilou to death either, but if lucina is the wickie and she intends to end the game properly—he wants to help do that.
so nobody else has to go through the shit he has.]
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Look at you, managing to pull secrets out of me like you're picking apples from a tree. How irritating.
[she doesn't actually sound bothered by this, though]
Lucina knows who the rest of the Sirens are, so. . . [another exhale] Ugh. I'm no good at motivational speeches. But it wouldn't be fitting for any of us to give in at the eleventh hour.
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...She shouldn't bear it alone.
[it's one hell of an implication, though. he knows he really has no right to step into this, but there are still two sirens left and lucina's hands have been bloodied plenty already.
she shouldn't have to take them out alone when she has allies that will help her and bear the burden.
probably a strange brand of help to offer from a do-gooder, huh?]
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[it is a strange brand of help to offer from a do-gooder, and she knows that just making that offer is probably tearing him up inside. she knows, based on the way he told her that he'd still vote for her if she were guilty, that this game has brought out sides of him that he probably didn't know existed]
[but, hey. murder tends to do that to a person]
[she draws back, reaches for his chin to tilt his head up so she can see his expression]
She has me, and now, you. But our part in this is to make sure she stays alive, okay?
Don't break yourself even more trying to do something that goes against the grain of your heart.
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...but at magilou's last statement, his gaze averts. he won't make eye contact with her. and the next words that come out of his mouth will be a good example of why.]
...It's already too late for that.
[it's barely above a whisper, and that admittance alone is telling. telling of how little he wants to acknowledge it, but also telling of how whatever happened...
it is tearing him up inside, because it does go against his moral fiber and everything he stands for.
and right now, for all he knows that he needs to keep to himself?
for all that he's good at keeping secrets?
for all that he's always been good for not placing his burdens on anyone else?
akira is definitely breaking. he's been breaking for a while now, but the last couple of days have definitely been the last straw and he has no idea how to keep it to himself completely without losing it.]
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[well. maybe it's finally her turn to help him put himself back together again]
[she sees the opening, and takes it]
Akira. What happened?
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he's lost his will to be so secretive. it's one thing to be that way when he's really helping people. as a phantom thief—it was key, but even then, the people close to him all figured him out, because he's cursed with caring too much to the point that it outs him.
...maybe now is really no different.]
Hangmen.
[?]
The final role nobody knew about. Two Hangmen.
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[ah]
[THAT. . .]
[she isn't dumb. she can put the pieces together slowly, one by one, to figure it out]
Charming name for what I imagine is an equally as charming role.
[. . .]
What does the Hangman do?
[she thinks she knows. she asks anyway]
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[he really has no idea how much weight their threats hold. what's true, what isn't. if anything they told him was bullshit, but most of the information he had did line up.
this is risky.
but.
it's too late. now magilou knows this, so he has to take this all the way.]
Hangmen... kill the players that the Chiefs feel aren't playing the game to their liking. They...
[a breath. he's wavering, because he knows. he knows that as soon as he states this clause, magilou is going to figure out exactly what he's done.
he can't really hold himself back completely; this is when he really cracks. tears actually spill properly now—akira's been completely broken by this, doing all he could to hold back just how much it hurt him to have any of this happens.]
They're able to kill people... without risking the lives of their partners.
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[from the moment he named the role, she knew]
Ruby. Mera. [. . . ah] Even Raven.
[quietly, without emotion. her thumb brushes against his cheek, wiping away what she can of those tear tracks]
A cruel role to give to someone so selfless.
[she could've done it, without batting an eye. but hey. . . that wouldn't have been entertaining. Akira, on the other hand?]
[she's certain they thought he was]
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he's the only one who knows what came of her body.]
Ruby—that wasn't me.
[he can admit that. he doesn't want her blood on his hands even if it probably isn't fair. akira leans into her touch—clearly, he needs this. he's a total mess, even if the way magilou handles it is a bit emotionless.
she's doing her best for him right now, even though he's not deserving of it.]
Mera. [he admits, quiet.] She was the other Hangman.
[so not only did he have to kill his teammate, his partner in the game, he also had to kill his role partner. two of the people most important to him. there's a reason why magilou is the most important person he has left.
there's a reason why he's felt so much guilt. there's a reason why he's crumbling, falling apart at the seams, why he tries to choke back a sob. actually admitting this out loud, his role, the risks, the people's killed with his own two hands—he was never meant for this.
killing goes against everything he believes in. so isn't it natural that with mera gone, all that's left is for him to find a way to end the game and save everyone he's hurt? the people he hurt by taking their lives, the people he hurt because they lost precious friends and family—
still, there's even more to unpack that fuels his guilt, but he can only go one step at a time. he's never been good at talking about himself, and admitting all of this is kind of sickening, really.]
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[distantly, she realizes her reaction is a bit emotionless. of course it is. that's how she works. but she wants to give something, to try to repay everything he has given her]
. . . I killed Laphicet.
[she says quietly and blandly. it's. . . well. they talked about Laphicet after the trial, and while she knows that following Sunday night was Akira trying to give her support, she never really talked about how taking Laphicet's life had actually hurt. how it felt like she was killing off a part of her newly restructured heart]
[so. . . it might not be much. it might be bland, and it might seem like a non-sequitur. but it's her attempt at empathizing. she knows how it feels]
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in magilou's own way, she's trying to support him. she's showing empathy, she's showing what akira already knew—that magilou was devastated by having to kill laphicet. he'd known that, and it was why he tried to push down his own feelings to be her pillar on saturday and sunday.
but he's been suffering through this. his grip tightens on her a bit—slowly, it's all going to spill.
because akira needs it.
this release, it's what he needs to carry him through and finish this game.]
At least you can live... knowing Laphicet was prepared. That he wanted you to.
[even though akira had almost stepped in to take that burden from her, hard as it would have been.]
Raven...
[he laughs, almost bitter. bitter and despairing.] She spit at my feet and told me I didn't deserve to see Haru again.
["told," really, she mouthed the words for him to decipher, but:]
She's not wrong. [he's a mess.] I don't want to face her again. Haru. But I want to save her.
[the words just start spilling out of his mouth now, because there's no way to hold them back.] She's in limbo. She's different from everyone else we can save.
[he wants to save haru more than anything, even at the cost of other people's lives, it seems. for the phantom thieves, he would anything. even kill.
but akira stops himself there, like he doesn't really know how to proceed. he holds a little tighter to magilou—who would have guessed things might have ended up like this? where his guilt led him to confess all his sins to a person who originally couldn't have cared less whether people lived or died? but he wants to save magilou. lucina. lief and yona, prussia—everyone alive by removing whatever keeps this game afloat. and he wants to save people like raven and mera, the innocents who were wrongly convicted, laphicet—and haru, of course.
there's no way for him to take back what he's done, or what he still might have to do. all akira can do is try to fight on the right side and fix this. rectify things, even if someone like raven (and probably bellamy) never forgive him for what he's done.]
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You know, I don't think that's something for Raven or anyone but Haru herself to decide. [whether she'd want to see Akira again, that is] But hey-- that's just me.
[. . . ah. she's becoming a bit too flippant again, losing hold of the comfort she had been trying to give. she tries to get herself back on track]
How is she different? [. . .] Are there different conditions for rescuing her?
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[he's a bit hard on himself, but he doesn't think raven is wrong, anyway. he doesn't feel deserving of seeing haru again, of seeing the phantom thieves, of leading them.
he'd been falsely accused of murder before.
now he is a murderer, one who acted out of selfish desire.
he needs a minute though, to try and collect himself enough to reply to magilou properly.]
...I don't know. They said... she's "stuck." She's not with the others because she wasn't... supposed to be here. And that if I want to save her...
[a breath.]
I have to... "work hard."
[murdering. participating. playing stupid about his role in the game.]
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[the frustration breaks through her carefully calm demeanor, manifesting as furrowed brows and a sharp downward turn of her mouth]
Akira.
[god this is hard. this is so, so hard, but she knows this isn't about her. he's been carrying this weight for five damn weeks now. he deserves a release]
You are. . . [. . .] You've done-- [damn it] I can't speak for anyone but myself. But even if the whole world hated you for what you've done here--
[. . .]
I wouldn't.
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akira doesn't need magilou to offer him vague platitudes or lie to him about things. it's not what wants—he doesn't want to hear that he's done nothing wrong, or that everyone will forgive him. he doesn't deserve that kind of forgiveness when he's betrayed people that mattered.
when he's become the very thing he's been fighting against.
magilou is handling this in the best way he can—and the fact that his breath hitches in his throat when she says that...
right now, it's everything.
that there's one person who will stand with him when he's slammed his hand on the betray button; when he's finally come to understand what akechi stood for and why he would willingly work in the lion's den and take lives for his own cause. of course, akira doesn't operate on revenge—but the idea is similar.
huh.
his head dips a little; it doesn't seem his composure is returning to him yet. it's an odd form of release, one he's not used to at all. akira doesn't usually cry, he doesn't talk about himself much, or place his burdens on anyone else. and yet magilou is here, standing by his side.
if there's one person, just one, who can see past his actions and understand his reasons and how much he loathes every bit of what he's done, maybe he can get through this. he doesn't really expect anyone else will—after all, his role is one as an outlier of the game, one that doesn't truly affect the outcome. he took people's lives for reasons that were stupid and worthless.]
Magilou...
[he's not sure how to respond, though. he feels floored and overwhelmed by it—it's definitely a lot for him to handle.]
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You're a fool.
[well, she can't be soft for too long. it goes against her nature. but a dam has broken, and she can't stop herself now]
A fool and an idiot, who tries to carry the world on his shoulders for the sake of protecting even strangers. You piss me off. You make me feel like someone is cutting open my chest and prying me apart, rib by rib, to expose my heart to the whole world.
[that's graphic, but it gets the point across]
You feel guilt and grief and sorrow for everyone's lives, even those that you've taken for the sake of saving someone important to you, and even if you're shattering now, you're still. . .
[still. . . alive, still capable of healing and still so. . . augh!!]
You should despise people like me. Selfish witches, who don't feel or live or care the same way you do. But you still poked and prodded and worked your way past everything to try and repair a shattered person you've only known for five weeks, a selfish person who deserves even less than you, and I--
[goood. her hand curls into the collar of his shirt, knuckles white]
If no one else can look past what you've done here and see what I've seen, then. . . [they're the idiots] And I don't know what this feeling is, but I want. . .
[what does she want?]
[she doesn't finish the thought, because she's too busy yanking him forward and catching his mouth in a kiss]
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she gets harsh with him, and honestly? magilou's words do sting. he's a fool, of course he is. he's an idiot, he's someone who has done all of the things she's said. she should probably hate him for it, too, because he knows she never wanted someone to be like him in her life.
he listens to her words, which are hardly soothing. maybe he should despise someone like her, but he can't. he doesn't want to, either. her heart needed this, it need love and care and someone to tell her that she was worth more than she gave herself credit for. that it was okay to heal and take her time relearning how to care. akira can't help it. that's who he is. he can't turn that off, even when he's crumbling slowly—
but everything that comes next is entirely unexpected. he realizes that this lecture is ending in her telling him... probably what he needs to hear.
that even though he's done so much wrong, that's not who he is as a person. that it's not what he wanted, that he still has the right intentions.
but then he's yanked forward, dragged into a kiss that has an alarming amount of feeling and passion in it; really, it's more akin to something he would do, and it catches him by surprise enough that he makes a small sound. he never protests, though, not even once. he just moves into the kiss, allowing it. he's definitely vulnerable right now—so it's not like he can say no to it.]
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[and she lingers. lingers longer than any of the kisses they've shared so far, hand moving from the collar of his shirt to his jawline. but she doesn't press for too long. she doesn't want to take advantage of a vulnerable moment. she was trying to get a point across she couldn't articulate with words, so. . .]
[after a few seconds, she pulls back, stubbornly lifting her gaze to meet his. there's an unfamiliar fire burning in her eyes, an uncharacteristic display of determination and stubbornness. a liveliness that so few have been allowed to see]
. . .
Okay?
[okay. she's asking if he understands, everything she said and didn't say]
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and he can understand that.
akira's highly empathetic, after all. he's generally good at reading people and seeing through their intentions. so this? it's not hard for him t understand that she's supporting him. that she's not giving up on him. that despite the awful things he's done, she knows what kind of person he is and what he believes in.
that even if his faith has been shaken, there will still be one person who believes in him. and really... maybe it's all he needs. maybe it's just too much for him to expect everyone to trust him or rely on him, and he definitely won't expect forgiveness.
but magilou—
she really is something special, in her own way. despite everything.
when she pulls back, her gaze... really catches him. it kind of makes him breathless to see the fire in her eyes, like she's captured the fire that's been escaping him as things have gotten worse and bottled them in her gaze. she looks... alive.
it's absolutely striking, and it absolutely makes his heart race—for the first time since he took out mera, he feels... a little more alive himself.
he finds himself reaching up, cupping her cheek in his hand.]
It's hard not to understand when you put it like that. [it's probably going to take him some time to recover; he's not used to this at all. but... with magilou here, he thinks he'll be able to get by, and hopefully when they meet the dead again, he can at least find a way to atone for what he's done.
but it's easier, it's a lot easier when he isn't bearing the pain alone.]
Your eyes look alive right now. [he has to point it out. it's too incredible not to.]
...Thank you. [for being the one person who could see through the bullshit. for standing by him even when it would be easier to run, and for giving him an opportunity to try and fix this and end the game the right way.]
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Well, you know. I guess it's been a while since I've actually felt this alive.
[ha]
And-- hey! If you're too busy trying to hold people up, someone's got to catch you when you start to crumble.
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I guess it's only fair that a traitorous Trickster would be held up by a villainous witch.
[he breathes out an almost-laugh. it seems like... it's slow. it's slow, but akira is taking magilou's efforts to heart enough that he can consider it a release.
his shoulders slump a little, but he leans in a second time to kiss her—brief and chaste, but sincere and full of appreciation.]
But it's just enough support that the pillar won't break quite yet.
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